Snowy Madison

While in Madison, we were so *lucky* as to witness a foot of snowfall. This is not something you see often in New York City believe it or not! The photos above were of a window covered in snow...looks a bit cool :D

Below are the photos of Felipe shoveling! This poor little boy from Brasil was out there of his own volition shoveling snow of my sister's car! How sweet is that?!

Gaily Bedight a Gallant Knight...

Gaily bedight,
A gallant knight,
In sunshine and in shadow,
Had journeyed long,
Singing a song,
In search of Eldorado.

But he grew old,
This knight so bold,
And o'er his heart a shadow,
Fell as he found,
No spot of ground,
That looked like Eldorado.

And, as his strength,
Failed him at length,
He met a pilgrim shadow;
"Shadow," said he,
"Where can it be,
This land of Eldorado?"

"Over the mountains
Of the moon,
Down the Valley of the Shadow,
Ride, boldly ride,"
The shade replied,
"If you seek for Eldorado!"

-Edgar Allen Poe

This poem seemed a fitting tribute to my dad - Poe was a well loved author of his, and he had this poem memorized and would recite it to me whenever I asked. Maybe now dad has found his Eldorado. I'll miss this, and all of the other stories and quirks my dad had. We had the memorial for dad this past Sunday, December 21st, on what was likely the coldest day of the year in Wisconsin. I like to think dad wanted it that way. It was an amazing experience - overwhelming at times, but comforting as well. It meant so much to greet people as they arrived and the support and sympathy was incredibly moving.

We held the ceremony at Grace Church in Madison. This is my dad's church...he was baptized there, served as an acolyte, attended Sunday School there, was married there, and attended the funerals of his family that passed before him there. It was a nice service, although I had trouble holding back the tears at times... It's been difficult getting used to the idea that he is gone, really gone from his living life. Each step seemed like one more finality - reminding me of our loss.

We finished the week by cleaning out the rest of dad's apartment. It was our good fortune that we took care of a large part of this earlier in November. Mariam and Grace and I reminisced about dad, and sorted through old papers, photos and mementos. When I finally left his place for the last time on Tuesday night - it was so difficult. To think that I would never be able to come home to dad again, was so hard...I had to keep reminding myself that I could take him with me, and carry him in my heart every day.

The last two weeks have been a roller coaster, moments of good and moments of bad. It's been amazing to feel the support of family and friends. My mom was an amazing comfort through the whole thing. This support is helpful for those lower moments...where I think about how I just didn't have enough time with him...or how there are so many other conversations I wish I could have had with him. I know this post seems a little disjointed...but I am still working through it all in my mind.

Thank you to everyone for the condolences and the sympathy...it means a lot to me. P.S. - the photo at the top was taken by grace during the last hospital stay...he was so strong, hardly complained and even kept a smile on his face.

A Very Sad Time...

Early this morning my dad passed away. His body couldn't fight the cancer and the other health problems anymore. It was a devastating night. Today we'll make the arrangements for the funeral and the visitation...and then who knows what...

Going back to Madison...

Tonight Felipe and I will fly out to Madison, dad's health troubles seem to be getting worse by the day. Unfortunately in this situation, his health problems are compounding. I received a call from his oncologist this morning, and he suggested that I come sooner, rather than later. It is such a difficult prospect to face - losing someone who has been a part of your daily life since before the day you were even born... I want to keep up hope, that maybe he'll be able to pull through this like he has so many other times before, but each time I think about it...it seems less and less possible.

They've moved dad back to the ICU, they'll try to suction out some of the liquid that is flooding his lungs, and who know what else they can do. Just please keep him and our family in your thoughts and prayers. And please, seriously this holiday season - really appreciate your family and your friends for who and what they are - our relationships with others are special privileges that we hold for only so long.

Dad Update - Back in the MICU

So dad is back to the ICU yesterday, again with troubles breathing. He wanted to leave the hospital so badly too. They're not certain just yet what is causing his problem this time. The doctors have ruled out a pulmonary embolism (blood clot) in his lungs. So I guess we have to wait again to see if they can figure out the cause or he gets better....whichever comes first. I leave a week from yesterday to go back to Madison for another visit and I am really looking forward to getting to spend more time with dad.

UPDATE (12/14/08): Dad's been sent back to the oncology wing at St. Mary's. There seems to be no definitive cause for his breathing problems. The doctors think that he might have some cardiac problems, but there isn't much they can do about them right now. He's not strong enough to be able to get through any surgery or heavy procedure. So I guess it's wait and see, and hope that there aren't too many other complications.

See You Later [Soon?!]

This evening we had Laurence and Sylvain over for one last chicken dinner and Settlers night (at least for the time being). Soon they will both return to their home in Paris...and we'll have a much longer commute to visit with them!

It's really been a fantastic time getting to share New York City with them, and experiencing the city as four newcomers together. and I can't tell you how many games of settlers and how many chicken dinners we've had!...I'm going to miss them and the fun nights we had.

We'll look forward to the next time they come back to visit so we can play another game, or maybe have one of our picnics in Central Park. Until then....a big welcome home for them and safe travels!

Dad Update - Chemo Cycle Two and complications

So dad went in to St. Mary's as planned on Saturday to begin his second cyle of chemotherapy. Things seemed to go pretty well for the first couple of days: not too many side effects, blood counts were good, no fever, etc. Yesterday I called and he had been transferred to the medical intensive care unit. Apparently he began having trouble with his breathing and they were concerned that they might need to intubate him. Fortunately they did not need to do this, instead they placed an oxygen mask on his face to help him breathe better.

They couldn't immediately determine what was causing the respiratory distress, but the staff seemed to think it could be a couple of things. The first option was that it might be a reaction to the chemotherapy drugs... a side effect that occurs in about 30% of patients. This would be bad, these chemotherapy drugs are the only treatment option dad has and without the treatment the doctor believes he might have only a matter of weeks to live with this type of cancer. So we were all hoping and praying that it wasn't that his body couldn't tolerate the drugs.

The second option was that he was possibly having some cardiac issues. This was unsure though because he didn't seem to be exhibiting any major cardiac symptoms. So this was a theory that relied on the "wait and see" method.

Dad was also running a fever and had some elevated white blood counts (this is good, rather than having no white blood cells at all!), both indicating that there may be some sort of infection. This could also have caused the respiratory problems as well. They started him on antibiotics right away.

This morning I spoke with his oncologist who explained that he didn't think it was a reaction to the chemotherapy, much to my delight! Thank God that it's not likely a side effect, that would be very difficult to deal with and treat. Rather he said that dad's blood cultures came back as positive for infection. They still haven't determined exactly what kind of infection, but the nurses say he seems to be responding to the antibiotics well. He doesn't have as much of a fever, or none at all - so this is very good.

Through out the whole ordeal he has struggled with some confusion and agitation. They needed to give him a sedative last night because he was becoming increasingly agitated with the mask, and he needed to calm down a bit. It seems that dad is very sensitive to sedatives, the couple of times he's had them he always experiences heavy side effects the next day. Like the last hospital visit, he was confused this morning and has had great difficulty in speaking. It's difficult for him to articulate words and responses. I spoke with him last night, this afternoon and tonight and he seems to be making remarkable progress in this respect. So I will be hopeful for some more improvement tonight.

UPDATE 12/5/08: Dad was moved back to the Oncology wing... it seems that his breathing improved enough and his infection was responding well enough to the antibiotics. He's happy to be back on 5SW but wishes he were out of the hospital...they apparently have him on a "soft diet" to avoid swallowing problems. He's not liking that!